I Surrender

At this time, my family and I are going through a really hard season. One of the ways I process how I feel is through writing. I usually just write in my journal as thoughts or prayers to God but one day I just felt the urge to write and this is what came out. I use to do creative writing often in high school but haven't done anything since so it was fun and refreshing to try again. Sorry that it's kind of dark but right now, things with my family are dark. This is how I feel:
My strength has turned to dust. Like sand in my palms it constantly drains through the cracks in my hands until I am left withered and decayed. In this season I realize and I feel so many things. ​Life is a funny thing. Always waxing and waning, giving and taking. It never gives you what you want or even ​what you ​expect but it gives you consequences. Consequences of choices made by you or those that you are in direct contact with. Life is never gracious or patient. It’s always fleeting and running and never gives you time to breathe.

I need to breathe.

I’ve asked for more time; I’ve sought for more from this never-forgiving life with no whisper of hope. Gnawing me raw, I bleed. Sucking and stealing the light in my eyes, I can’t hold on. It’s stolen. The stars you would see in my round curious eyes, drinking in the mysteries of the world and the ​magic of the beautiful souls around me, are gone. I’m sinking. It’s not fair. What did I do to deserve this? What did my family do to deserve this?

We were strong. We laughed from our bellies deep. Holding tight to each other’s sleeves, loving and being loved. Hardships would come but strong and together we would stand, as one, holding each other up when we couldn’t hold ourselves. Our hands locked tight, our shoulders; cedar strong. Nothing could keep us down for long.

But this, this wicked darkness that threatens to overcome our hope and turns hearts against hearts. This virus that has made its way through our bonds and rusted our strong grip leaving us grasping in midair for each other or something, anything, to hold on to. This dark stillness is the thief of our joy and the
polluter of our faith. Crying and alone, we no longer stand as one but we are now shattered souls, blinded, feeling our own way around this world. Like domino's we lean towards the other seeking comfort and expecting to be braced and find that now, we’re all falling hard. Falling, gaining momentum, when will we hit the bottom? Abrupt and sudden, we find our faces in the dirt and with our broken necks and shattered hearts we lay exhausted and weak. The darkness laughs, echoing in our ears, ringing sharp. “help.” Our whispers falls to the ground flat, muted, lost in the darkness. It’s cold down here and the heaviness is bearing down. “help.” Yet again, our words are drowned out by this sea of black. No one is there.

Living- this feels worse than death. Forsaken, deaf, blind, benumbed, bitter, ​deppressed. Four, who were once one, stand separate. Our chests cave in from this burden, we feel suffocated. Can’t breathe, gasping, we’re drowning. Death seems near to forever relieve us from this​ merciless life. It seems inviting and for the first time, a wish on our tongues. Tears run down my cheeks ​spilling the words my lips fail to speak:

"I surrender."