When you’re a young teenager and have raging hormones, everyone tells you “it takes only one time of “doing it” to get pregnant. Do all that you can to avoid getting pregnant if you don’t want a baby.” So, through life I have always believed that. I thought that one time was all it would take (and I’m sure for some people that’s true) so once we got married, David and I planned what we would do for birth control because we knew we didn’t want kids right away- someday but not right away. I knew I had so many dreams to fulfill (travel, photography, boutique, etc) and I didn’t want kids to ruin my plans and my dreams. I was so driven to make sure nothing would get in the way of what I wanted to do with my life. I didn’t want the “burden” of taking care of a child. They take up so much time and I felt like I would have to give everything up if we had them and I was NOT going to let that happen as long as it was in my power.
Then one day I had a really good conversation at dinner with my friend Rachael (who was about to go on mission and move out of the country with her husband and newborn baby) and she helped me see that you don’t have to give up your dreams when you have kids. You may have to put them on the back burner for a time or delay them for a while but you don’t have to give them up. Plus, a child is so worth the sacrifice. My conversation with her really changed my perspective on things and really resonated in my spirit and God began to do a major work in my heart. I started to think about it more and more and asked David to really pray with me about having a baby. He has always thought that kids were a gift from the Lord so none of this was as big of a deal for him so he agreed to pray.
About 3 months later we decided to start trying for a baby. For the first few months we were really intentional about trying (by charting my cycles) but after a visit with my OB/GYN to get some tips about how to best prepare my body, she said to stop charting because it's just going to stress me out, so I did. She also said that if I don't get pregnant in a year to contact her to let her know so we can plan the next steps. 1 year rolled by and still no baby. Now we're at a year and a half and STILL no baby. It’s been so hard to share this with people because it’s honestly kind of embarrassing. It even took us awhile to tell our own parents because we didn't want to disappoint them. I have felt like something was wrong with me. I have felt cursed and not normal.
THE CONFESSION:
This year and a half has been EXTREMELY hard for me to go through. I felt like I had truly surrendered my dreams to God and laid down the things I held so tightly so that we can have a child. I felt like I did the most selfless thing and said "ok Lord, let your will be done" expecting his will for us to be a child since he so graciously worked with me on helping me let go the tight grip I had. But month after month my period came and the confusion and frustration, anger, and sorrow would overwhelm me. I would cry in the shower, cry in the car, and cry when my friends announced their pregnancies. I would yell at God "Why am I barren God? Why can't I get pregnant? After giving everything to you, THIS is what I want so badly and still, I have no child." I have been heartbroken month after month and despair and depression have overtaken me and what makes it even harder is when all of my friends are getting pregnant (nothing against them of course. I love every single one of their babies). As a woman, I understand that I have a God-given desire to be a mother and I thought that was something I could control, something I could prevent and something I could produce, but I have learned through much disappointment that I can’t. That longing has burned in my heart and I’ve been so angry at God for putting it there and then not fulfilling it.
I’ve had a diet change, an intense ultrasound, blood tests, multiple appointments with a specialist, lots of vitamins and even more opinions but even with all of that, I don’t have any explanation as to why I’m infertile except for what I know: God is in control of opening and closing the womb. That is the HARDEST thing to remember when a baby is what I want with all of my heart! I have felt like God was punishing me. I have felt that I am cursed. I have felt that I was barren because of sin and I had lost all hope. I have cried out like Sarah in the bible and have literally yelled at God. I have tried to trust God but after resentment built up, I no longer wanted to. I’ve looked for the medical answers and have not found them. I have prayed my heart out with no response (or should I say with no response that I could to hear). So now what am I supposed to do? The Dr. said the next step is trying to conceive medically but I’m not ready for that. I'm going to wait for my miracle.
But I must share that even through ALL of this, God has been faithful and has drawn my heart back to Him. God truly encountered me at a conference this past November where He touched the depths of my heart and so much of that anger has been released. I was in bondage to it and I was ashamed that I let it carry me away. I was so embarrassed that even when I tried to talk to the Lord I would want to run and hide because of how I behaved. But God knew that the deep hurt and frustration that I felt wasn’t going to go away easily so at the conference, He literally pulled it out of the pit of my stomach and I fell to my knees. I am so thankful to Him for freeing me and since then I have been at complete peace about the baby. I don’t feel angry at God anymore and I don’t feel frustrated. There are days where I do feel sad but the despair has disappeared and contentment has replaced it. I’ve come to a place of rest and knowing that a baby will come when The Lord says whether that be in ten years or even through adoption. Even though I have a hard time believing it all the time and even though I still have days sprinkled with pain and sadness, I can honestly say that God has been good and He has been gracious toward me. He has a better plan than I do and even though I’m not sure what the big picture is yet, I know that one day I will look back at this time in my life and see that God was working the most. Plus, SO MANY PEOPLE have told me that they’ve had dreams where I was pregnant so that gives me hope (YAY). I know The Lord knows my heart.
So that's it. That’s the true Alicia exposed with my heart on my sleeve. One who is raw and bloody but still in the process of healing and still in the process of learning to trust God and His plans. Many have asked and I'm sure some have wondered when we're going to have kids so, this is the answer. I hope my story can encourage one of you out there and let you know that you are not alone and also help everyone see that, even though we don't talk about it often, there are SO MANY of us going through this. I was surprised to find out how many couples I know struggled to have kids and for some, kids eventually came, some just never had any, some did it medically, and a few even adopted so I know that The Lord will show us what to do when the time comes. In the mean time I'll just be over here pursing my other dreams ;-).
If you have any questions please ask and I will keep you all posted for the day when the baby comes!!
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