More Than Just A Europe Trip

Hey guys!
It has been awhile since I've blogged here but don't worry, that's nothing to be sad about. I've been busy with my business over at www.alicialewinphotography.com. All of my blogging has been focused on photo shoots but today, I just wanted to write something a little more personal.
As some of you know I just got back from a 5 week backpacking trip through Europe in late February. If you follow me on Instagram or Facebook then you know how epic it was for me! Traveling through Europe has been a dream of mine for a little over ten years and this year I got the chance to go with some of my sweet girlfriends. It was 5 weeks full of exploration, discovery, fulfilled dreams, the creation of new dreams, joy, exhaustion, anticipation, surreal moments, and a whole lot of awesomesauce! While following along I am sure you saw how excited I was and how much I loved my time over there, and let me tell you, it was a dream come true. But I wanted to blog today to tell you WHY it was a blessing and how good God is to open the door for me to go on that trip. The past few years has been full of hardship and even suffering and I believe this trip was an answer to so much prayer.
Let me start back to about 2.5 years ago. So in the summer of 2013 and after two years of marriage, David and I decided to start trying to have a baby. It was a HUGE deal for me because up until that point I was going to hold out on having kids for awhile because I didn't want them to "ruin" my time with my husband, I didn't want them to "ruin" my dreams of travel, and I wasn't ready to sacrifice my comfortable and fun life for kids. I know many of you already know this story but, through a conversation with my dearest friend Rachel Skrobot the Lord completely changed and softened my heart and my desire for a baby developed. We prayed for a couple of weeks about it and decided to start trying but have had no luck.
Fastforward a few months and David and I decided to move in with my parents to save money and get out of debt. Soon after we moved in, my parents separated and my dad moved out of the house. This.was.tragic!! (I'm not completely ready to start sharing with the world the hurt, heartbreak, and brokenness my family and I have gone through since this time because it's still very fresh. Plus I still have a lot of healing to do in order to share my story well and on top of that I want to honor my parents by not uncovering them until they are healed as well). Let me just say that our world was shattered and our hearts were completely broken into a million pieces and so much anger, sorrow, bitterness, and even depression got a hold of me. Everything I knew had changed when my parents separated and eventually got divorced. Let me tell you, this was a dark season for me.
Through this season of trying to navigate my way through my parents separation and divorce I still had trouble getting pregnant. Soon enough bitterness toward God began to set in. He let my family fall apart and He didn't fulfill this desire to become a mother after releasing to Him this control I had over my life and dreams. Why was God good? I use to cry multiple times a week and yell at Him in anger asking Him "WHERE ARE YOU? Don't you see how much I'm suffering?" I would grumble and complain about how much my life sucked. I hated my job, we didn't have enough money to do the amount of travel I wanted to, I went to the Dr and they could find no reason for me to be infertile, and I was constantly in a bad mood so I was being a jerk to David all the time. At that time my prayers consisted of how much I didn't like my life, how much I needed God to change it, complaining about why God doesn't provide for my dreams (travel and photography), sarcastically thanking Him for not having kids, etc.
Then in Fall of 2014 I went to a Burn in Boulder and sat down. Broken and tired I said "God, I'm tired. I'm ready to get my healing started now." And I heard Him say "Ok Alicia. Just spend 30 days with me. Get up early and sit with me." And I did. I got up every morning at 5:30am to spend just 30min a day with the Lord before I had to get ready for work and David did it with me. During that 30 days I didn't feel any different. I didn't have a Bible study plan I was following; I just read a Psalm, a Proverb, read a chapter of any book in the Bible, and prayed for my family, our marriage, our jobs, our dreams, and our future kids for 30 days. After 30 days one of my favorite conferences that David and I go to every year called Resound was happening, and boy did I go with lots of anticipation. It was an amazing weekend of incredible worship, teaching, and fellowship. On the last day during one of the meetings, something began to happen to me. I could feel this softening of my heart and I could feel the presence of God on my heart. The speaker had just finished his message and called people to gather in the front and make a tunnel for people to walk through so that everyone could get prayer (aka fire tunnel). I got up to participate and stood next to some friends to make a tunnel. One of my friends, Shannon, touched me and said "fire." At that moment I literally felt like God had pulled this lump out of my stomach and my legs turned to jello so I fell to my knees. I could not stop crying and I was filled with the Holy Spirit. Depresson, anger, and bitterness left and I felt so light and such freedom. I composed myself and stood up. I prayed for a few people and then I myself went through the tunnel and got even more free!! 

From that day on I could feel again. I actually didn't even know I was depressed until this moment because I was free of it. Life was no longer dark and gloomy and I wasn't angry at God or my parents anymore. Sure, there was and still is a lot that I need to heal from but it's not weighing me down. I was no longer angry about being infertile and I wasn't bitter about it anymore. 
With allllllll of that said (such a long story, I know) I believe this past year of such blessing has come because God had heard my cries. I believe that because I trusted Him and was faithful in obedience, even when I was angry and bitter, God has opened so many doors for me this year. I totally did not deserve it either. Like I said, I yelled at God and complained about ev-ery-thing but God still loved me through my crap and blessed me. He is such a good Father and such a good God. He has never abandoned me (even when I felt like He did) and He listened to every single one of my cries, every single one of my complaints and fulfilled them.
That is why I think Europe was a blessing and an open door from the Lord. He has fulfilled more dreams for me in the past year and a half than I could have ever anticipated. He has blessed my business, He has blessed my marriage, He has blessed our finances, and He has blessed our lives. 
I will say that I am still waiting for my baby and that is still a struggle I have to work through often BUT, I am not mad at God for closing my womb at the moment. Sometimes I feel like it's not fair but I'm not bitter like I use to be. Instead, I am enjoying this time with my husband and focusing on my photography business that I love SO much and trying to travel as much as I can. Man, what a life I live!
If you have made it this far, thank you SO much for reading. I hope this testimony will bless you because, let me tell you, it was all God's doing because I would still be where I was without Him pulling me out of my pit. There would have been no way out for me without Him. Anyway, thanks for reading!

Blessed beyond measure,  Alicia